This is My House, This is My Home

Move In Day! 7/31/2012

Getting settled in. 8/3/2012

Clothing Swap! 01/2013

 Clothing Swap! 01/2013

Clothing Swap! 01/2013

Clothing Swap! 01/2013

Turning 21! 90's Party 02/2013

Turning 21! 90's Party 02/2013

Turning 21! 90's Party 02/2013

Turning 21! 90's Party 02/2013

Turning 21! 90's Party 02/2013

Turning 21! 90's Party 02/2013

A Brand New Niece. 03/2013

New Wood Floors & A Fresh Start. 07/2013

A Fresh Start. 07/2013

CB comes home! 07/2013

A New Look. 08/2013

A New Look. 08/2013

Summer Swap Shop! 09/2013

A New Hobby. 11/2013

Nasty Roommates.12/2013

Snowpocalypse. 4 days of being stuck inside. 12/2013

Finally, a dining table! 01/2014

Continuing to make wreaths 03/2014

Continuing to make a house a home. 03/2014

Continuing to make a house a home. 05/2014

A business is born! "SHIBUGG" by La Vie Rubelle 05/2014

Summer nights. 06/2014

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Boxes, Boxes, Boxes. Moving out 06/2014

Two years has flown by and it's time for me to pack up and move out of my three bedroom, two bathroom apartment. I'm feeling incredibly sentimental about it, because this was the longest I've lived in a place since moving out of my parents house for college. This is the first place I decorated exactly the way I wanted. There are SO many memories here! 2 years worth. 730 days worth.

If these walls could talk...

-They would tell you how excited I was to move in...only to find out my roommate already had everything she needeed, so there was no need for the decor I'd scrounged up at thrift shops
-They would tell you that in the beginning, the place always smelled good.
-They would tell you that when the heater was turned on, the smoke detectors went off
-They would tell you about the time our smoke detector went off for 30 minutes for no reason
-They would tell you about the dishes that piled up
-They would tell you about the movie nights that have been had here with the best of friends
-They would tell you about the massive amount of clothing left over from clothing swaps
-They would tell you about the time after my 21st birthday when I slept in the closet because I was throwing up for 12 hours straight
-They would tell you about the drunken nights that had me stumbling up the stairs
-They would tell you about the heartache and heartbreak over stupid boys
-They would tell you that all of my best friends have stayed here, even the out of state ones.
-They would tell you that in my living room was where I got to hold my newest niece (She has also been the last. I've gotten a string of boys since!)
-They would tell you that it was here that I learned I was going to be an Aunt again...one, two, three times
-They would tell you about the tears shed here over the people I love leaving my life
-They would tell you about the dreams and plans and hopes that never quite came to fruition
-They would tell you about the schoolwork that was never ending
-They would tell you  about the frustrations of having roommates
-They would tell you the angry things I've said about said roommates
-They would tell you how when the new wood floors were installed, I twirled around on it barefoot for two weeks
-They would tell you how I sat indian style on the living room floor to watch tv when I had no couch
-They would tell you how much I loved decorating...and can't stop ;)
-They would tell you about all of the projects I completed here, and how the spray paint covers the patio
-They would tell you about the trash that sat for weeks and the moldy food that was left in the dishes
-They would tell you about the ruined dishes that I had to toss out
-They would tell you that I switched to greener, more natural, eco friendly cleaning products
-They would tell you about the crazy "crunchy" things I do. Oil pulling, peppermint oil for headaches and pain, coconut oil for burns and cuts, home made shower soaps, glass cups, pyrex tupperware, resuable feminine products, tea tree oil toothpaste, making my own laundry detergent, no longer using dryer sheets
-They would tell you the hours of research I've done about being an "earth mama"
-They would tell you that I want to be a doula
-They would tell you about the losses two years have brought
-They would tell you about the courageous decision I made, not for self but for others.
-They would tell you about the many, many prayers murmured in this bedroom of mine.
-They would tell you that when I started decorating sunglasses, I didn't know it would be a business. It's a slow but steady start.
-They would tell you of the times I followed my heart completely and never regretted it.
-They would tell you about the poetry scribbled down passed midnight
-They would tell you how much I SWOON over Jared Padalecki...and how nervous I was to buy a picture with him...but not really ;)
-They would tell you that I am becoming someone really great. Someone confident in her body, in her convictions, confident in the people she surrounds herself with and where she is going. Someone who is confident in being crunchy, in being a woman, and in her heart. Someone with integrity, and grace, and honesty, and compassion. Someone with good intentions and big dreams. And small dreams.

I've grown in this apartment. I've loved, I've lost, I've had to let go and move forward. I've cried and been angry and confused and hurt. I've discovered the secret to life and the smallest of joys. For two years I've been "the girl behind the red door" and I liked that girl. Most days, I loved her. But it's time to move forward now, and embrace being the girl behind some other colored door who has even more growing and learning to do. I have no doubt she'll be just as great :)

921

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I have to start off by saying that I love this blog. My blog. Not my first, and surely not my last.

For a good two and a half years, this blog has been here patiently waiting for me to fill the blank space with thoughts, words, recipes, pictures, ideas, outfits. If you scroll through each page, you'll notice an attempt to do so, but I'll admit, it's been half-hearted.

You see, when I started this blog, I was just starting to follow other people's blogs. I was inspired and wanted a space of my own to share my love of fashion, faith, friends, and food. I had a nice digital camera to take pictures, I had a roommate who never thought I was silly as I posed in whatever ensemble I picked out. I had topics. I was learning to cook through trial and error. I had a schedule.

And well, life hit. It's hard for me to go back to that time period, because I was incredibly depressed. I was just fresh out of high school, in my first apartment living with three strangers when two of my friends died separately  in incredibly horrible, tragic deaths. It knocked me off my feet, pushed me drown, dragged me under the current to the point where I was no longer gasping for air because I didn't want any. I didn't want to blog, or be happy, or go to class. My grades suffered, my healthy suffered, and my relationships suffered. I was alone in a city with no connections to the friends I lost and the ones I missed. I didn't go out, I didn't study. I let myself give up because I felt grief gave me no other option.

Thankfully, I had a good enough head on my shoulders to recognize my weakness and I sought some help through counseling. There was a whole slew of problems at the time, and that was just one of many to tackle. Death, life, grief, it's all so enormous, you know? And we bravely step into them each day.

I got a job, then got a new one,  then another, then two, and well, I've had a lot of fun learning how to be better at what I do. Fashion is why I started this blog, and I love that it permeates every aspect of life. It's how I express myself, it's how I connect with others, it's why I go to school. I have many a time made every intention to improve this blog. More updates, planned posts, collaborations with friends who blog, connecting with UNT bloggers. The dream has been there.

But, the passion has not.

I enjoy reading blogs. I enjoy writing. But, I do not enjoy writing blogs. I am a creative, reflective being.
I like to try new restaurants. I like to create things, beautiful things. I like to decorate and redecorate. I like listening to live music and going out for a drink. I like to read poetry on my porch with a cold glass of homebrewed sweet tea. I like to organize. I like to discover what I like and what I don't like, what I stand for, who I am. I like to live.

I'm not saying those who blog don't enjoy that. But from my perspective, in this loud corner, blogging takes time away from those things. It keeps me confined to my apartment as I write, edit, and plan. Life can very easily become centered around social media- wording your facebook posts a certain way, "designing" an Instagram photo, doing things for the purpose of filling a blog with content as opposed to enjoying them. I've done all of these things, because I want people on the internet to perceive me a certain way. Being a popular blogger these days is like being a celebrity. Book deals, clothing lines, items in exchange for talking about a product. It's too easy to want, but like anything else, it has it's costs, and that is your precious time.

I was talking to my dad today and in awe, realized it's been four years since I graduated highschool. FOUR. I am not the same person I was then. I am not the same as when I started this blog. I've grown up, matured, become more comfortable in my own skin, become more comfortable with being a woman, become more comfortable with being single, with being different, with being crunchy and passionate, and well, I don't want my blog to reflect that. I want my life to.

I've embarked on this whole new crunchy/natural/organic/attachment parenting life style, and some of the things I use and eat would be really fun to blog about. I'm interested in doing a few music reviews, continuing to post some poetry. But, this blog is officially on the back burner, perhaps indefinitely. I'm glad I started this to keep my memories and thoughts in a safe-but loud ;)- place.

No worries friends! You can find me on Pinterest, Instagram, and take a sneak peek at my newest endeavor La Vie Rubelle. 22 has been so sweet to me, and I'm incredibly blessed to continue to live and create in His name.

Peace and light,
V

Things I Meant to Say When We Were Older [an open letter]

Dear Little One,

There are many things I wish I could tell you. There are so many words of wisdom I've been saving inside of me for the perfect moment, the one that is so full of love you can hardly breathe. The one that gives you goosebumps because of how wonderfully surreal it is.

I've had a few of those moments in my 22 years, and I suppose, I truly do owe a lot of them to you. Without you changing lives the way you did, I wouldn't have that, and God, I would hate to ever lose those precious moments, no matter what the future holds. No matter what kind of heartache is going on now or is to come, I would keep those moments and memories all to myself for a lifetime. Sometimes, I can't believe it all happened...I can't believe you loved me, but you did, and I know it, and I loved you right back to infinity. I hope you know that. I hope you understand and accept and love me still.

I don't have it all figured out, not by any means. Most days I barely remember to eat, I can't find matching socks and my deodorant has disappeared again as I try to rush out the door from one destination to the next. But here is the thing-behind closed doors, everyone is that way. A little late, a little rushed, a little lost.

But people like you make it worth it. At least, it does for me.

I think of all the things you have to learn, and I am filled with joy because such beautiful things are to come your way. But, at such a tender age, you undoubtedly know of the bad things too. Heartache. Heartbreak. Loss. Lies. People like me, who try do right in the wrong way. Those things are okay, mistakes are okay. I can promise you that in the aftermath of it all, there is healing, redemption, hope, and peace. I promise. Nothing you do could make me love you less, do you understand that? I wish that I could hold you and protect you from it all. I wish that I could make things better and take away hurt. I wish that I could keep you little and innocent and full of life and love and laughter and wonder...but I can't. But I can restore those things when hope is lost and life is rough and I will. I know I will for you.

The key to life is to hold on to the good things, the things that don't change with time, the good things promised to us from above. Love. Friendship. Goodness. Find those things and fight for them. Society doesn't place an importance on these things, but they are the most important things. To love freely and be loved in returned is the most comforting, wonderful thing.

This one might be a little long, because it's important. Friends-good ones- are the remedy for any lemons life throws straight at you. I know you know that and I know you've seen that and I just hope you remember what you know as you get older-it's the little things. It's investing in each other's lives. It's forgiving and not holding grudges, but learning to love someone even more. It's praying together in times of darkness and pain and need, a tempest against the storms. Two is better than one, sweet one. Always. The best of friends are the one who find it okay to be vulnerable together, to be sad together, to be honest with one another. I hope you meet at least one friend in your life who gives you their all, even the bad. Even if it seems heavy. Because when their burden is too heavy for them and you have to carry it, just know that there will never not be a time when that favor is returned tenfold.
Of all of your relationships in life, two of them require zero selfishness, and that's being a spouse and being a best friend. It requires a lot of time and energy and effort. of course, it will never seem that way, but when you look back on the years spent together and the times and moments you've been there, you'll see just how much of yourself was given away, and when it comes to someone who doesn't have to love you, but does...you want it to be only the best of you that they receive. Guy friends are amazing. They have the muscles to help you out physically, they give the best hugs, and they offer new insight and perspective, but little one, nothing beats a good girlfriend. They laugh with you, cry with you, get angry with you. You can be crazy with them, wild with them, honest with them, goofy with them, comfortable with them. They adore you the way your mama does. They'll be the sisters you wanted to have, and the best aunts/godmoms to your children, and having a good girlfriend, a best one, is just a really special thing in life. Seeing them grow up, get married and have babies...it really puts things into perspective, makes life all come together and make sense. It's about the love we create while we're here.
So when it comes to them, don't be afraid to apologize, or be honest, or be raw. Letting someone in even when it hurts is part of our journey here.


Being a good person, having integrity and honesty, that's what I hope for you. You have such a bright little spirit and I pray the world never takes that from you, sweet one. Being strong and courageous against wrong-doers is a rare trait, but it will take you far.


School is not about teaching you how to do calculus or memorize geography. It's teaching you how to learn, how to be open, how to absorb information. I hope that you excel by the state's standards but continue to grow in your own ways. I was never phenomenal at school. I slacked off a lot and aced "social life", but someday you'll wish you had given all of yourself, all of the time. These days I'm a little sponge, questioning everything, learning how and why things work the way they do. Learning doesn't always happen inside of the classroom and I just hope you pursue whatever your interests are.


Finding a job you love is key. Something that pays the bills, but more importantly something you are madly passionate about and can apply to all areas of your life. I'm right in the midst of this one, but I can let you in on a secret: any job I've ever grown tired of, looking back I regret not leaving sooner. Here's another tip: don't sass your manager!


There are a lot of little tidbits I can offer...
Mascara on your lower lashes makes you look tired.
Drink lots of water.
Wash off your make up before bed.


There is more, so much more, and someday I know I will get to share it all with you. I believe it to be so. For now, believe in yourself, your beauty, and your abilities, as I do.


XOXO,
V

Yahweh, Yahweh

Dear Lord,

King of Kings, Alpha, Omega, Ruler of my heart and my life. Knower of all, most selfless father, most understanding friend-

Thank you for your Grace, a gift I don't take for granted. A word I love to bathe in. Something that renews me daily even when I have not forgiven myself for the mistakes of yesterday.

Thank you for your seasons, given to me, breathing life and awe into me as I embrace each one with open arms and an excited heart, full of dreams and plans.

Thank you for waking me up without fail each day. I love this life that I live. I love getting to live it in your name, proclaiming your promises and praises! I love to experience your wonders and goodness and love!

Thank you for taking ahold of my heart at exactly the right time. Thank you for being patient as I navigate through the tangles and pride of my human heart in search of you. Not in search of righteousness or religion, just in search of a deeper, more personal, more powerful relationship with you, Yahweh. Most heavenly Father.

Thank you for the peace you instill in my troubled heart. I am such a worrier, such a planner, and you just give me a peace and a stillness that is unparalleled. My life is in your hands. I trust Your will, I trust in Your plans for me so fully! In times of trouble, instead of crying out WHY, I shout HOW! How, Lord, can I use this to shape and mold me, how can this draw me closer to you, how can I share your story and love through this trial!

Thank you for my loving family, Lord, put on this earth not only to love me but to love others and spread your word. I love how my family is so Christ driven. I love that they can set aside their own pride to pray for those who need it. I was born without uncles, but I have amazing angels for aunts, and now, I have three strong, dependable uncles who mean so much to me! They reflect you in the things they do and I admire that. My father is an image of you, and what I love about him is that he keeps trying daily! How honorable! And my mother, while not sinless and stain free like Mary, does all for her children! She is not a selfish person. Thank you for that Lord!

Thank you, good God, for my friends. I know each and everyone of them is in my life for a reason. You have helped me see who I need to keep close. Those who lift me up, inspire me, counsel me, make me laugh, and best of all, draw me closer to you. I hope that I reflect You to my friends, whether or not they believe.

Thank you for my many, many blessings, O Lord. I have a steady job, a car, clean and heated water, and many luxuries. I hope you know Lord, that I do not take them for granted, not even a second.

And Lord, this one is hard to give thanks for, but thank you for my trials. Thank you for my struggles. You have known all of them, especially the ones in my heart, and I know that while I don't have answers, you have had a bigger plan. Someday, the dots will connect and I hope to understand why there were times of doubt, lonliness, anger, guilt, pain hurt, and betrayal. Even if I do not see, I believe and I trust. The hardest ones have been to accept what life has brought, and I ask, Lord God, that I receive peace. I ask that I may understand and accept Your will, whatever it may be.

Amen

For the Love of Books

I have been an avid reader my whole life. I began reading chapter books at an early age. I wrote books of my own as a child, one which was placed in our school library for other students to enjoy. I won an award in elementary school, probably around 4th grade or so, for setting a record on reading the most accelerated reading books.  Books are love.

Since starting college, it got harder to make time to read between parties, projects and relationships. I have a habit of collecting books to read and never getting around to them, but this year, my goal is to read ALL of the books that are sitting unread. I want to fall in love with new people, new places, new plots. I want to cry because poetry touches my soul and be angry when a book doesn't go the way I want. I want to experience the joy of sending a friend off to a place where they are permanently happy (or unhappy, depending on how the book ends).

READING LIST 2014
(And counting, since I can't stop buying)

The Alphabet Sisters-Monica McInerney
Augusta, Gone-Martha Tod Dudman
Babywise-Ezzo and Bucknam
The Best Loved Poems of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (Poetry)
The Best of Me-Nicholas Sparks
Bringing Home the Birkin-Michael Tonello
The Chinaberry Tree-Lauren Alexander
The Doula-Bridget Boland
The Essential Green you!-Deirdre Imus
Expecting Adam-Martha Beck
Extremely Loud& Incredibly Close-Jonathan Safran Foer
The Fault in Our Stars-John Green
The First Phone Call from Heaven-Mitch Albom
Green Chic-Christine Matheson
Heavenly Creatures-Dee Ann
The Help-Kathryn Stockett
I Knew You’d Be Lovely-Alethea Black
Immortality-Milan Kundera
Interview with a Vampire-Anne Rice
It’s All Too Much:An Easy Plan for Living a Richer Life with Less Stuff- Peter Walsh
The Jungle-Upton Sinclair
Love Poems-Pablo Neruda (Poetry)
Lucky-Alice Sebold
Mangoes and Bullets-John Agard (Poetry)
The No-Cry Sleep Solution-Elizabeth Pantley
Odd Apocalypse-Dean Koontz
The Omen-David Seltzer
One Day-David Nicholls
The Paris Wife-Paula McLain
Pathway to Purpose for Women-Katie Brazelton
Positive Discipline-Jane Nelsen, Ed. D.
Reading Lolita in Tehran-Azar Nafisi
Riding the Bus with My Sister-Rachel Simon
Sarah’s Key-Tatiana De Rosnay
Selected Poems of Sylvia Plath (Poetry)
The Sirens of Titan-Kurt Vonnegut
Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood-Koren Zailckas
Stops Poems-Joel Sloman (Poetry
The Tales of Beedle the Bard- J.K. Rowling
Teaching Your Children Values-Linda and Richard Eyre
Tears  for Water-Alicia Keys (Poetry)
Tilt-Ellen Hopkins
This Longing-Rumi
Wicked-Gregory Maguire

What books are on your reading list?

Everlasting

"You had to let them move. Maybe you even had to let them go."-Sisterhood Everlasting, Anne Brashares.

Being a mom means making selfless decisions for a person who, will at some point, think you are incredibly selfish for whatever course of action you take. Being a mom means all other needs come before your own. Being a mom means growing with this little person, learning from them, and instilling everything good into them only to watch them someday leave you and sew magic into the world with everything they do.

I'm not a mom yet, or any time soon, but I am a best friend, and how similar they are! Sometimes you have to make the most selfless decisions. Sometimes you have to say goodbye. That doesn't take the times away or the memories or the goodness. It leaves room for new. Better.

Sometimes you put all of your good into a person, all of your love and wisdom, and they still make bad decisions, fall into the wrong crowd or just fall short of who you know they could be. Who they are. That doesn't mean they love you any less, and it doesn't mean you should love them any less. It just happens that way.

Sometimes you have to speak up in a friendship, even when it's hard and uncomfortable. He's not right for you, that dress doesn't flatter you, this isn't normal. Honesty-true honesty-stems from the deepest and most tender forms of love, I think.

Sometimes when you can't even hold your own world together, you have to stitch up someone else's. Sometimes daily. Sometimes over things you've never dealt with, or things you thought you wouldn't have to visit again. The hard things, the messy things, you have to be the band-aid, the glue. Sometimes, you have to be the levee that's bearing the brunt of it all.

And sometimes, you have to let go. Because it's best. Because it's right. Because there is a magic that can't be contained stemming from them and you are containing it. Because you love, oh how you love them. It's a thing only moms and bestfriends can understand.


"Together or apart, no matter how far apart, we live in one another. We go on together."-Sisterhood Everlasting, Anne Brashares

[Finished the 5th and final installment of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series. No book has ever broken my heart more. Full of relevance, hurt, and healing, it tied the series up perfectly, but seriously, never read it.]

For You I Will

"Writing is easy; you just open a vein and bleed."

I have been writing my whole life. I won awards for my poetry in elementary school, had my illustrated books in the library on display. I won awards for poetry in Junior high, winning contests and gift cards. I always thought-hoped, even, that I would be a writer someday.

I guess I am always going to be one.

But the words I have come up with, are not my own.

Let's take Haley James Scott's monologue from 9x08, undoubtedly one of Haley's finest moments and one of Joy's most moving performances.

"...All I can think about is one moment you and I shared years ago. Over and over that same insignificant moment repeats in my head...I, I can't tell you why. It was your birthday, your first year playing for Maryland. Jamie must have been two. You said you didn't want to do anything, but I insisted on at least having your favorite ice cream. Do you remember this? When I...when I brought back mint chocolate chip and you asked why I thought that was your favorite. I was so confused. Any time we had gotten ice cream together, that's what you always chose, but you told me rocky road was your favorite. And you looked at me so tenderly, Nathan, and you said you always chose mint chocolate chip because you knew it was my favorite flavor. And that's when I realized for the first time that you hadn't been making any of your decisions for yourself. You were doing everything for me all along, for your family."

Or Willy Jack's heartbreaking confession in the final pages of Billie Lett's Where the Heart Is.

[Willy Jack]: "You remember that last day? The last day we was together?...You asked me if I wanted to feel the baby and you put my hand on your belly, but I said I didn't feel nothing. You said that if I tried, I could feel the heart. I said I couldn't and tried to pull my hand back, but you wouldn't let me....
I lied, Novalee. I lied to you. I said I couldn't feel it, but I did. I felt that baby's heartbeat. I felt it as sure as I could feel my own. But I lied."

[Novalee]: "Why?"

[Willie Jack]: "Why does anyone lie? Cuz we're scared? Or crazy? Or just mean?... I guess there's a million reasons to lie, and I might've told that many... But none like that. I guess there's always that one lie we never get over."

Willy Jack forgot to mention one very important reason why people lie-and that is to protect the ones they love. Sometimes, holding that lie in and having it implode is better than the aftermath of spilling the truth. Sometimes, you have to be a Nathan Scott and step bravely up to bat, taking hit after hit for the people who mean the most.

I am a Nathan Scott. I have been, for many years, fighting battles not all my own, and not for myself. There came a time when I suddenly saw the victories people could achieve if I took a step back. I knew what was going to be said. I knew what was going to happen. And yet, and still...I opened myself up to all of it, willingly. Not for self but for others. Sometimes, you have to be the one that takes the fall and bears the brunt of it. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride and know that giving the people you love most the gift of life is the most courageous, selfless, sacrificial thing, regardless of what others may think.

I've had this conversation in my head over the past few months. It was between an ex husband and wife, and mother and daugther. Funny how those similarities creep up on you when you don't expect them to. Both uncle and niece proclaim, in a hysteric, near tear fashion, that no one will ever know what it is like to be them. No one will ever have to feel their pain and know what they know and accept what they understand and well, how right they are. Sometimes I think of that conversation and I know, that I had to be the strong one. The one who sees. The one who had to give it all up so others could have it all.

It is these things I know, and it is these things I understand and accept. There are more truths and lies and veins to be open, but one can only bleed so much.

And Yet;

I want to love you more-

better

longer

truer

than before.

I want to be better

longer conversations-

truer words

than before.

I want to spend longer hours

truer moments-

stolen

like before.

but more

but better.

Today

Today was a Sunday. I love Sundays because I get to wear a messy bun all day, dance around in pajamas and listen to the top Contemporary Christian hits while I clean my apartment. I love the sound of the dishwasher running and the smell of laundry drying and today the breeze was just perfect enough to leave a window cracked open. (In January?! In Texas?!)

Today I...

-Got a couch! A gorgeous charcoal gray couch from Ikea that was relisted on a resale site for over 90% off of retail price! I threw the cushion covers in the wash and wiped down the sofa before proudly falling into it. This is the first time I've had a sofa since July so I am VERY excited and happy. I just recently got a dining room table, which means I have OFFICIALLY furnished my entire living space on my own :)

-Ate a giant ass cinnamon roll for breakfast. Yum.

-Went to Ikea with my boyfriend for the first time. He got the unexpected opportunity to move into a house within the next few weeks so we (read: I) had to quickly throw together a list of everything he needed. I love decorating and I love shopping, so I thought it was going to be fun, especially since I had compiled a list of products he needed. Easy Breezy, right? Wrong! Men are just as stubborn and complicated as women! We walked away with a new sofa, a dresser, a coffee table, some kick ass art, a rug, and a few other small items. It took about three hours and it was definitely a learning experience.

-Got to see my family. With both jobs and school, I make it home once every two months if I'm lucky, and tonight I got to stop by and see them.

-Listened to mixed CD's from high school and realized how much my friends were apart of my life. Every song on the CD's were recommendations from someone else!

What did you do today?

Mint Chocolate Chip

"...All I can think about is one moment you and I shared years ago. Over and over that same insignificant moment repeats in my head...I, I can't tell you why. It was your birthday, your first year playing for Maryland. Jamie must have been two. You said you didn't want to do anything, but I insisted on at least having your favorite ice cream. Do you remember this? When I...when I brought back mint chocolate chip and you asked why I thought that was your favorite. I was so confused. Any time we had gotten ice cream together, that's what you always chose, but you told me rocky road was your favorite. And you looked at me so tenderly, Nathan, and you said you always chose mint chocolate chip because you knew it was my favorite flavor. And that's when I realized for the first time that you hadn't been making any of your decisions for yourself. You were doing everything for me all along, for your family."-Haley James Scott

Someday, maybe.

Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)

What if I told you that I know the most beautiful boy on this earth?
Would you believe me?
What if I told you I was lucky enough to squeeze him tight, several times, a boy full of long limbs and oceanic eyes and a mind that moved as fast as his mouth.
What if I told you he gave the hardest, most trusting hugs, and he lets out the silliest of giggles.
He sees the world through a lens I do not, and it is more beautiful, less complicated...

Darling Boy, He is a blur of motion, always moving, always playing and roughing it out, as boys do...
Moving too fast for me to capture correctly on film or in my mind,
Growing at a rate I can't comprehend. Turning another year older faster than I blink.

Beautiful Boy, Growing and learning and becoming more of him and less of anyone else.
Exactly the way I would have it.
Reading and writing and seeing more colors in every shade.
Protecting and giving and of course, arguing in that way that little boys do.
Picking up dirt and sand and foam swords and video games and all things blue.

Beautiful boy, becoming a man, one day at a time. Becoming someone I am proud of, each and every day, through all accomplishments and  all set backs. It is still surreal to me, that I know him and that he loves me right back. The fiercest of hugs prove it. The locked fingers around your neck kind of hugs that you want to last forever but they never do, because boys will be boys and those hugs are icky.

Darling Boy, discovering a world we take for granted, discovering life and all it has to offer. Seeing and learning and accepting and growing and becoming more beautiful through it all. Darling boy, don't you ever change, because who you are now is someone I absolutely love. Grow more, learn more, seek more, BE more, be mine always.

XOXO
V

Things I Learned in 2013

1. What Robert Frost said some time ago is indeed true. Three words sum up the one thing I know to be true about life. Through all of the heartache, loss, tragedy, happiness, surprises, wrong turns, new beginnings, and absolutely unthinkable...It Goes On.
2. Creating a schedule for your week or even your day creates less stress.
3. If you are nothing in life, be honest, but not brutal. It has to hurt if it's to heal.
4. I understand, with a heavy, heavy heart, that people do not change. Who they are at the core, who they are when no one is looking, is exactly who they are.

5. I am in no way am responsible for the type of person someone may be. It is not my job to change anyone. It is my job to pray that they understand who they are, what their actions say about them, and how that is showcased to the world.

6. I understand that it is not my fault if people won’t change, or can’t change.

7. I understand that I am not responsible for anyone’s actions other than my own. I can only choose how to react, how to respond, and how to rise above.

8. I understand that good people do bad things. I understand that bad people do good things. I understand that selfish people can be good, but selfish. I understand that good people can be selfish, too.

9. Getting older doesn't mean growing up. It should, but it doesn't.

10. I will never drink as much as I did on my 21st birthday.

11. There is pretty much no way to avoid plastic

12. Fruit is a simple carb. It gives you quick, fast energy.
13. Flouride is...not good for you, and yet we ingest in daily through water.

14. Random roommates SUCK.

15. McAllister's has an amazing southwest cobb salad.
16. Bar food actually isn't bad.
17. The beach is amazing.
18. Feminine products have chemicals in them...how do you think this affects your body?
19. I am becoming someone really great.
20. Baby carrots aren't good for you. It's left over pieces of other carrots mashed together and bleached.
21. Romaine lettuce is a thousand times better than ice berg.
22. Oil is to a car as blood is to the body.
23. You need to let your car heat up for 10-15 minutes in the winter.
24. I have a shopping problem.
25. Forever is not an infinite limit. It is very much finite. Forever simply means we can not, and do not want to see an end, and so we count each second we share
26. I learned how to add oil to my car.
27. 40% of Olive Oil sold in the United States is not pure. You want to buy Olive Oil that says "made in Italy" and smells briny.
28. Carmelized onions aren't bad.
29. I love Feta cheese.
30. Rom Coms are awesome.
31. Chewing on popcorn kernels can crack your teeth.
32. Very few kids drinks are actually healthy.
33. In order to keep this list condensed, I learned a plethora of information regarding natural birth : positions, the purple line, the c-section rate in the U.S, the international breast feeding average age is 3...just a few :)
34. Girls can be really gross nasty.
35. Call work if you are going to be late.
36. Sometimes all you need is prayer
37. The path to God is different for everyone.
38. The opinion of sheep does not matter...especially given the track record of said sheep ;)
39. Distance has adverse affects.
40. Group projects are stupid...but sometimes you meet really great people!
41. Expect the unexpected.
42. Good TV shows end no matter the fanbase.
43. You won't know if you like it until you try it.
44. Being a waitress is hard, demanding work, both physically and emotionally.

2013 has been, without a doubt, my growing year. 2012 was about learning, and in 2013 I really applied all that I learned to my life. 2013 is also going to be remembered as the year of complete surprise. Everything I thought would never happen, did, and it did get tough at times to remain graceful and compassionate but one deep breath at a time helped.

I am not going to recap the year or the situations, because other people's own strings of life are entwined with mine, and if I have learned anything, it is that some things simply aren't my place to broadcast. Some things are best kept private, out of respect for others and emotions involved, and that's that :)

What lessons did you learn this past year?