For You I Will

"Writing is easy; you just open a vein and bleed."

I have been writing my whole life. I won awards for my poetry in elementary school, had my illustrated books in the library on display. I won awards for poetry in Junior high, winning contests and gift cards. I always thought-hoped, even, that I would be a writer someday.

I guess I am always going to be one.

But the words I have come up with, are not my own.

Let's take Haley James Scott's monologue from 9x08, undoubtedly one of Haley's finest moments and one of Joy's most moving performances.

"...All I can think about is one moment you and I shared years ago. Over and over that same insignificant moment repeats in my head...I, I can't tell you why. It was your birthday, your first year playing for Maryland. Jamie must have been two. You said you didn't want to do anything, but I insisted on at least having your favorite ice cream. Do you remember this? When I...when I brought back mint chocolate chip and you asked why I thought that was your favorite. I was so confused. Any time we had gotten ice cream together, that's what you always chose, but you told me rocky road was your favorite. And you looked at me so tenderly, Nathan, and you said you always chose mint chocolate chip because you knew it was my favorite flavor. And that's when I realized for the first time that you hadn't been making any of your decisions for yourself. You were doing everything for me all along, for your family."

Or Willy Jack's heartbreaking confession in the final pages of Billie Lett's Where the Heart Is.

[Willy Jack]: "You remember that last day? The last day we was together?...You asked me if I wanted to feel the baby and you put my hand on your belly, but I said I didn't feel nothing. You said that if I tried, I could feel the heart. I said I couldn't and tried to pull my hand back, but you wouldn't let me....
I lied, Novalee. I lied to you. I said I couldn't feel it, but I did. I felt that baby's heartbeat. I felt it as sure as I could feel my own. But I lied."

[Novalee]: "Why?"

[Willie Jack]: "Why does anyone lie? Cuz we're scared? Or crazy? Or just mean?... I guess there's a million reasons to lie, and I might've told that many... But none like that. I guess there's always that one lie we never get over."

Willy Jack forgot to mention one very important reason why people lie-and that is to protect the ones they love. Sometimes, holding that lie in and having it implode is better than the aftermath of spilling the truth. Sometimes, you have to be a Nathan Scott and step bravely up to bat, taking hit after hit for the people who mean the most.

I am a Nathan Scott. I have been, for many years, fighting battles not all my own, and not for myself. There came a time when I suddenly saw the victories people could achieve if I took a step back. I knew what was going to be said. I knew what was going to happen. And yet, and still...I opened myself up to all of it, willingly. Not for self but for others. Sometimes, you have to be the one that takes the fall and bears the brunt of it. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride and know that giving the people you love most the gift of life is the most courageous, selfless, sacrificial thing, regardless of what others may think.

I've had this conversation in my head over the past few months. It was between an ex husband and wife, and mother and daugther. Funny how those similarities creep up on you when you don't expect them to. Both uncle and niece proclaim, in a hysteric, near tear fashion, that no one will ever know what it is like to be them. No one will ever have to feel their pain and know what they know and accept what they understand and well, how right they are. Sometimes I think of that conversation and I know, that I had to be the strong one. The one who sees. The one who had to give it all up so others could have it all.

It is these things I know, and it is these things I understand and accept. There are more truths and lies and veins to be open, but one can only bleed so much.