Viva Forever.

It is late and I should be sleeping-but you know I'm not. Instead, I'm thinking about upcoming "See You Laters". I'm replaying past goodbyes. I loved you so very much. I am going to miss you every day for along time, a time I can't give a deadline too. And that is okay. Missing is okay, tears are okay, hurting is okay. Hurting brings healing and healing brings growth, and with growth there is progress. Life is about progress, not regress.

You are mine and I am yours. We will always have each other. Maybe not in the future, but we have now. Today. It feels like forever, stretching on into a string of endless tomorrows. Maybe that's our forever. A string of endless tomorrows that will someday end, because it's time. Life is full of seasons, all sorts of them. Someday, ours will be over. Someday, maybe sooner rather than later, but we have now. We have a past, a beautiful, wonderful past and I will always be there, permanently in memories that may fade but will always have existed. The moments, the feelings, it all happened. It is happening around us every day, each forever just starting up or winding down. How lovely. How heartbreaking. How beautifully tragic.

Whatever our forever is, I have you. I have had you. I have gotten to know your wisdom, your strength, your love. I have been blessed tenfold by you, and I'm sure when you are gone it will increase more as I take everything you taught me, you showed me, you gave me, and pass it on to others. Strangers, family, friends. Others.

So thank you for everything. The good, the bad, the downright magical. No one else could have given me what you have. No one else could have been in that moment with me. It was just you. Just us. Two people in a relationship not any of the other 6 billion people in the world could replicate. How special. How amazing.

I pray that I rub off on you. May you be a little more hopeful, a little fiercer, a little more passionate, a little more headstrong. But stay you darling. Because now, in this moment, I love you exactly as you are.

How to Say Goodbye.

"Tell me how to fill the space you left behind
And how to laugh instead of cry
And how to say goodbye..."

His 21st birthday, 2010!

How can one possibly say goodbye to someone they have known and loved for six years? How do you sum up countless needed hugs and words of encouragement into one last Thank You? How long is that last hug that is supposed to carry on for months?


I've been struggling with this lately. Goodbyes aren't easy for me, when I have to say them to people I care about. I know it's a "See you later" but I can't imagine not going over and seeing him anytime I want. Who am I going to call when my car is acting up? Who will come hug me when I need it without asking why? Who will listen for hours to all of my problems and give me sound advice? Who will have educated (though not well researched!) conversations on the pros and cons of vaccinations with me?


It is hard to explain what we have been through in just such a short amount of time. We haven't been life long friends, we didn't grow up together. We GREW together. I have gotten to watch him become the man God is calling him to be. I have applauded his accomplishments and been there for the last three years to cheer him on, propose to him*, share his excitement, carry his burdens. We have celebrated with parties and bars. We have shared meals, shared thoughts, shared dreams.


And he has seen me become...more me. Not always classy and composed, but still true to who I am. He has seen me never give up and become more domesticated and less wasteful and more tolerant of alcohol. I am not that matchy-matchy, big bow wearing cheerleader from high school. I am not the naive, uncertain college freshman. I am who I am because of how great he is.

My 21st birthday, 2013!

He tells me not to think about it, because there is still time left. But not enough time to tell him how thankful I am for his friendship, and his positivity, and his encouragement. I can't repay the times he dried my tears. I can't put into words how much those late night-early morning conversations meant to me. There are no words for something as special as those. As I mentioned before, he never failed to ask about how a counseling session went, he never forgets to ask how my day is going. I matter to him, just as he matters to me. He has become my safe place and I'm not even sure he knows it.


We have more memories to make in the coming days before he goes...but I just don't know how I am going to be okay without him here.


*Editor's Note: For his college graduation, my friends and I made him a sign asking him to marry us. It was all in good fun.