How to Say Goodbye.

"Tell me how to fill the space you left behind
And how to laugh instead of cry
And how to say goodbye..."

His 21st birthday, 2010!

How can one possibly say goodbye to someone they have known and loved for six years? How do you sum up countless needed hugs and words of encouragement into one last Thank You? How long is that last hug that is supposed to carry on for months?


I've been struggling with this lately. Goodbyes aren't easy for me, when I have to say them to people I care about. I know it's a "See you later" but I can't imagine not going over and seeing him anytime I want. Who am I going to call when my car is acting up? Who will come hug me when I need it without asking why? Who will listen for hours to all of my problems and give me sound advice? Who will have educated (though not well researched!) conversations on the pros and cons of vaccinations with me?


It is hard to explain what we have been through in just such a short amount of time. We haven't been life long friends, we didn't grow up together. We GREW together. I have gotten to watch him become the man God is calling him to be. I have applauded his accomplishments and been there for the last three years to cheer him on, propose to him*, share his excitement, carry his burdens. We have celebrated with parties and bars. We have shared meals, shared thoughts, shared dreams.


And he has seen me become...more me. Not always classy and composed, but still true to who I am. He has seen me never give up and become more domesticated and less wasteful and more tolerant of alcohol. I am not that matchy-matchy, big bow wearing cheerleader from high school. I am not the naive, uncertain college freshman. I am who I am because of how great he is.

My 21st birthday, 2013!

He tells me not to think about it, because there is still time left. But not enough time to tell him how thankful I am for his friendship, and his positivity, and his encouragement. I can't repay the times he dried my tears. I can't put into words how much those late night-early morning conversations meant to me. There are no words for something as special as those. As I mentioned before, he never failed to ask about how a counseling session went, he never forgets to ask how my day is going. I matter to him, just as he matters to me. He has become my safe place and I'm not even sure he knows it.


We have more memories to make in the coming days before he goes...but I just don't know how I am going to be okay without him here.


*Editor's Note: For his college graduation, my friends and I made him a sign asking him to marry us. It was all in good fun.