For the Love of Books

I have been an avid reader my whole life. I began reading chapter books at an early age. I wrote books of my own as a child, one which was placed in our school library for other students to enjoy. I won an award in elementary school, probably around 4th grade or so, for setting a record on reading the most accelerated reading books.  Books are love.

Since starting college, it got harder to make time to read between parties, projects and relationships. I have a habit of collecting books to read and never getting around to them, but this year, my goal is to read ALL of the books that are sitting unread. I want to fall in love with new people, new places, new plots. I want to cry because poetry touches my soul and be angry when a book doesn't go the way I want. I want to experience the joy of sending a friend off to a place where they are permanently happy (or unhappy, depending on how the book ends).

READING LIST 2014
(And counting, since I can't stop buying)

The Alphabet Sisters-Monica McInerney
Augusta, Gone-Martha Tod Dudman
Babywise-Ezzo and Bucknam
The Best Loved Poems of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (Poetry)
The Best of Me-Nicholas Sparks
Bringing Home the Birkin-Michael Tonello
The Chinaberry Tree-Lauren Alexander
The Doula-Bridget Boland
The Essential Green you!-Deirdre Imus
Expecting Adam-Martha Beck
Extremely Loud& Incredibly Close-Jonathan Safran Foer
The Fault in Our Stars-John Green
The First Phone Call from Heaven-Mitch Albom
Green Chic-Christine Matheson
Heavenly Creatures-Dee Ann
The Help-Kathryn Stockett
I Knew You’d Be Lovely-Alethea Black
Immortality-Milan Kundera
Interview with a Vampire-Anne Rice
It’s All Too Much:An Easy Plan for Living a Richer Life with Less Stuff- Peter Walsh
The Jungle-Upton Sinclair
Love Poems-Pablo Neruda (Poetry)
Lucky-Alice Sebold
Mangoes and Bullets-John Agard (Poetry)
The No-Cry Sleep Solution-Elizabeth Pantley
Odd Apocalypse-Dean Koontz
The Omen-David Seltzer
One Day-David Nicholls
The Paris Wife-Paula McLain
Pathway to Purpose for Women-Katie Brazelton
Positive Discipline-Jane Nelsen, Ed. D.
Reading Lolita in Tehran-Azar Nafisi
Riding the Bus with My Sister-Rachel Simon
Sarah’s Key-Tatiana De Rosnay
Selected Poems of Sylvia Plath (Poetry)
The Sirens of Titan-Kurt Vonnegut
Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood-Koren Zailckas
Stops Poems-Joel Sloman (Poetry
The Tales of Beedle the Bard- J.K. Rowling
Teaching Your Children Values-Linda and Richard Eyre
Tears  for Water-Alicia Keys (Poetry)
Tilt-Ellen Hopkins
This Longing-Rumi
Wicked-Gregory Maguire

What books are on your reading list?

Everlasting

"You had to let them move. Maybe you even had to let them go."-Sisterhood Everlasting, Anne Brashares.

Being a mom means making selfless decisions for a person who, will at some point, think you are incredibly selfish for whatever course of action you take. Being a mom means all other needs come before your own. Being a mom means growing with this little person, learning from them, and instilling everything good into them only to watch them someday leave you and sew magic into the world with everything they do.

I'm not a mom yet, or any time soon, but I am a best friend, and how similar they are! Sometimes you have to make the most selfless decisions. Sometimes you have to say goodbye. That doesn't take the times away or the memories or the goodness. It leaves room for new. Better.

Sometimes you put all of your good into a person, all of your love and wisdom, and they still make bad decisions, fall into the wrong crowd or just fall short of who you know they could be. Who they are. That doesn't mean they love you any less, and it doesn't mean you should love them any less. It just happens that way.

Sometimes you have to speak up in a friendship, even when it's hard and uncomfortable. He's not right for you, that dress doesn't flatter you, this isn't normal. Honesty-true honesty-stems from the deepest and most tender forms of love, I think.

Sometimes when you can't even hold your own world together, you have to stitch up someone else's. Sometimes daily. Sometimes over things you've never dealt with, or things you thought you wouldn't have to visit again. The hard things, the messy things, you have to be the band-aid, the glue. Sometimes, you have to be the levee that's bearing the brunt of it all.

And sometimes, you have to let go. Because it's best. Because it's right. Because there is a magic that can't be contained stemming from them and you are containing it. Because you love, oh how you love them. It's a thing only moms and bestfriends can understand.


"Together or apart, no matter how far apart, we live in one another. We go on together."-Sisterhood Everlasting, Anne Brashares

[Finished the 5th and final installment of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series. No book has ever broken my heart more. Full of relevance, hurt, and healing, it tied the series up perfectly, but seriously, never read it.]

For You I Will

"Writing is easy; you just open a vein and bleed."

I have been writing my whole life. I won awards for my poetry in elementary school, had my illustrated books in the library on display. I won awards for poetry in Junior high, winning contests and gift cards. I always thought-hoped, even, that I would be a writer someday.

I guess I am always going to be one.

But the words I have come up with, are not my own.

Let's take Haley James Scott's monologue from 9x08, undoubtedly one of Haley's finest moments and one of Joy's most moving performances.

"...All I can think about is one moment you and I shared years ago. Over and over that same insignificant moment repeats in my head...I, I can't tell you why. It was your birthday, your first year playing for Maryland. Jamie must have been two. You said you didn't want to do anything, but I insisted on at least having your favorite ice cream. Do you remember this? When I...when I brought back mint chocolate chip and you asked why I thought that was your favorite. I was so confused. Any time we had gotten ice cream together, that's what you always chose, but you told me rocky road was your favorite. And you looked at me so tenderly, Nathan, and you said you always chose mint chocolate chip because you knew it was my favorite flavor. And that's when I realized for the first time that you hadn't been making any of your decisions for yourself. You were doing everything for me all along, for your family."

Or Willy Jack's heartbreaking confession in the final pages of Billie Lett's Where the Heart Is.

[Willy Jack]: "You remember that last day? The last day we was together?...You asked me if I wanted to feel the baby and you put my hand on your belly, but I said I didn't feel nothing. You said that if I tried, I could feel the heart. I said I couldn't and tried to pull my hand back, but you wouldn't let me....
I lied, Novalee. I lied to you. I said I couldn't feel it, but I did. I felt that baby's heartbeat. I felt it as sure as I could feel my own. But I lied."

[Novalee]: "Why?"

[Willie Jack]: "Why does anyone lie? Cuz we're scared? Or crazy? Or just mean?... I guess there's a million reasons to lie, and I might've told that many... But none like that. I guess there's always that one lie we never get over."

Willy Jack forgot to mention one very important reason why people lie-and that is to protect the ones they love. Sometimes, holding that lie in and having it implode is better than the aftermath of spilling the truth. Sometimes, you have to be a Nathan Scott and step bravely up to bat, taking hit after hit for the people who mean the most.

I am a Nathan Scott. I have been, for many years, fighting battles not all my own, and not for myself. There came a time when I suddenly saw the victories people could achieve if I took a step back. I knew what was going to be said. I knew what was going to happen. And yet, and still...I opened myself up to all of it, willingly. Not for self but for others. Sometimes, you have to be the one that takes the fall and bears the brunt of it. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride and know that giving the people you love most the gift of life is the most courageous, selfless, sacrificial thing, regardless of what others may think.

I've had this conversation in my head over the past few months. It was between an ex husband and wife, and mother and daugther. Funny how those similarities creep up on you when you don't expect them to. Both uncle and niece proclaim, in a hysteric, near tear fashion, that no one will ever know what it is like to be them. No one will ever have to feel their pain and know what they know and accept what they understand and well, how right they are. Sometimes I think of that conversation and I know, that I had to be the strong one. The one who sees. The one who had to give it all up so others could have it all.

It is these things I know, and it is these things I understand and accept. There are more truths and lies and veins to be open, but one can only bleed so much.