What Comes Next?

I can feel it bubbling inside of me. Excitement, anticipation, joy, a dash of nervousness. All for the future. I’m right on the cusp of it. I can hardly believe the rest of my life is going to unfold soon. I’m so excited. I can do anything, be anything. I can go anywhere. For now, my heart is yearning for the sweaty salty air of California. The crashing, cold waves and the eccentric people and the lust for life. God, I want that. I just feel it’s the next step of my journey, to be there. To be anywhere but here.

I’m not sure what I want to do next. I have vague ideas. Go new places, try new restaurants, take up hiking, fall in love, make enough money to have a beautifully furnished home and pay back loans and buy a new car. I want to be a mom and a doula, but I don’t want to go back to school again. I want to have incurable wanderlust. I want to sink my toes into the beaches of France and eat the Paella of Spain and see the architecture of Italy again. I want to buy a new car. I want my business to be something great because I believe in what I sell. I want seven kids (for now!). I want to try and live in each state for a short period of time. I want to experience costume designing at least once, even if I hate it. I want to learn to cook because, I’m actually pretty bad at it. I want to own a bike, a really nice mint one. I want to learn to like breakfast. I want to marry a handsome tall man surrounded by everyone I love. I want him to adore our daughters and be a role model to our sons. I want to find a really delicious wine and drink it on the patio with a well-loved book in hand. I'd like to pen some poetry and get it published, the kind that stirs something in people. The kind of poetry that makes a heart string twinge and evokes tears and brings smiles. I want to meet an author. I want to meet Amber Tamblyn and tell her what it means to have her sign Sisterhood Everlasting, even though it's not her work. Perhaps I'd like to start blogging and make something of it. Not silly teenage angst or tortured college writings. I want it to be a cozy, quiet corner, not a loud one. 

I want to feel the rain of London on my skin. I want to experience the hustle and bustle of New York. I want to go to a music festival and be one with the music and everyone else.  I want to have a large wrap around porch with a swinging bench hanging. I want to wake up to mountains outside of the window. I want to try a fresh coconut in Hawaii.

Here's to whatever comes next.

Happy, Happy New Year

Just popping in to wish my *3* followers and countless anonymous readers a happy new year! New years are always so crisp and white, and while the resolution posts are always a tad redundant, I really am inspired by all of the hope and goodness people are exuding. These years are going quicker and it's becoming an exciting time for me-the early twenties! This season of life is marked by college graduations, long term boyfriends, proposals, newlyweds-a few of my friends already have families! Growing up is kind of magical that way.

I've chosen this year to pen down a few attitude and life style changes, but overall I'm going to pick a word and fill these next 360 days with it.

FOCUS.

I am incredibly passionate and creative, and incredibly gifted in the realm of always having new ideas, new dreams, new aspirations. But, true to my Pisces nature, I'm a bit of a day dreamer. I see the end goal, not the process along the way. I get distracted by new ideas and dreams and trivial things. Add in your average anxiety about the future that comes with this age and I can be my own worst enemy. This year, I'm taking a big deep breath and inhaling lots of FOCUS. I'm gearing up for my TENTH semester in college-and not the last, but let's kick butt and take names so it can be one of the final ones.  I'm preparing to start looking for a better job-one that I truly enjoy and grow from. I'm preparing to take my health into my own hands by exercising more, and eating better. I'm going to invest into my business and my brand-who knows,  I may even be here more!

In 2014, I started a small business, briefly became a social media coordinator in both of my jobs, attended concerts, stayed out all night with new friends, bar tended for a bit, moved into my own apartment, met Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles AND Misha Collins, welcomed THREE new nephews, grew in Grace, and followed my heart out into crashing waves. It all started out as just a night underneath paper confetti on January 1, 2014...

Are you focusing on a particular word this year? What is it? What do you hope to accomplish with it?

This is My House, This is My Home

Move In Day! 7/31/2012

Getting settled in. 8/3/2012

Clothing Swap! 01/2013

 Clothing Swap! 01/2013

Clothing Swap! 01/2013

Clothing Swap! 01/2013

Turning 21! 90's Party 02/2013

Turning 21! 90's Party 02/2013

Turning 21! 90's Party 02/2013

Turning 21! 90's Party 02/2013

Turning 21! 90's Party 02/2013

Turning 21! 90's Party 02/2013

A Brand New Niece. 03/2013

New Wood Floors & A Fresh Start. 07/2013

A Fresh Start. 07/2013

CB comes home! 07/2013

A New Look. 08/2013

A New Look. 08/2013

Summer Swap Shop! 09/2013

A New Hobby. 11/2013

Nasty Roommates.12/2013

Snowpocalypse. 4 days of being stuck inside. 12/2013

Finally, a dining table! 01/2014

Continuing to make wreaths 03/2014

Continuing to make a house a home. 03/2014

Continuing to make a house a home. 05/2014

A business is born! "SHIBUGG" by La Vie Rubelle 05/2014

Summer nights. 06/2014

l

Boxes, Boxes, Boxes. Moving out 06/2014

Two years has flown by and it's time for me to pack up and move out of my three bedroom, two bathroom apartment. I'm feeling incredibly sentimental about it, because this was the longest I've lived in a place since moving out of my parents house for college. This is the first place I decorated exactly the way I wanted. There are SO many memories here! 2 years worth. 730 days worth.

If these walls could talk...

-They would tell you how excited I was to move in...only to find out my roommate already had everything she needeed, so there was no need for the decor I'd scrounged up at thrift shops
-They would tell you that in the beginning, the place always smelled good.
-They would tell you that when the heater was turned on, the smoke detectors went off
-They would tell you about the time our smoke detector went off for 30 minutes for no reason
-They would tell you about the dishes that piled up
-They would tell you about the movie nights that have been had here with the best of friends
-They would tell you about the massive amount of clothing left over from clothing swaps
-They would tell you about the time after my 21st birthday when I slept in the closet because I was throwing up for 12 hours straight
-They would tell you about the drunken nights that had me stumbling up the stairs
-They would tell you about the heartache and heartbreak over stupid boys
-They would tell you that all of my best friends have stayed here, even the out of state ones.
-They would tell you that in my living room was where I got to hold my newest niece (She has also been the last. I've gotten a string of boys since!)
-They would tell you that it was here that I learned I was going to be an Aunt again...one, two, three times
-They would tell you about the tears shed here over the people I love leaving my life
-They would tell you about the dreams and plans and hopes that never quite came to fruition
-They would tell you about the schoolwork that was never ending
-They would tell you  about the frustrations of having roommates
-They would tell you the angry things I've said about said roommates
-They would tell you how when the new wood floors were installed, I twirled around on it barefoot for two weeks
-They would tell you how I sat indian style on the living room floor to watch tv when I had no couch
-They would tell you how much I loved decorating...and can't stop ;)
-They would tell you about all of the projects I completed here, and how the spray paint covers the patio
-They would tell you about the trash that sat for weeks and the moldy food that was left in the dishes
-They would tell you about the ruined dishes that I had to toss out
-They would tell you that I switched to greener, more natural, eco friendly cleaning products
-They would tell you about the crazy "crunchy" things I do. Oil pulling, peppermint oil for headaches and pain, coconut oil for burns and cuts, home made shower soaps, glass cups, pyrex tupperware, resuable feminine products, tea tree oil toothpaste, making my own laundry detergent, no longer using dryer sheets
-They would tell you the hours of research I've done about being an "earth mama"
-They would tell you that I want to be a doula
-They would tell you about the losses two years have brought
-They would tell you about the courageous decision I made, not for self but for others.
-They would tell you about the many, many prayers murmured in this bedroom of mine.
-They would tell you that when I started decorating sunglasses, I didn't know it would be a business. It's a slow but steady start.
-They would tell you of the times I followed my heart completely and never regretted it.
-They would tell you about the poetry scribbled down passed midnight
-They would tell you how much I SWOON over Jared Padalecki...and how nervous I was to buy a picture with him...but not really ;)
-They would tell you that I am becoming someone really great. Someone confident in her body, in her convictions, confident in the people she surrounds herself with and where she is going. Someone who is confident in being crunchy, in being a woman, and in her heart. Someone with integrity, and grace, and honesty, and compassion. Someone with good intentions and big dreams. And small dreams.

I've grown in this apartment. I've loved, I've lost, I've had to let go and move forward. I've cried and been angry and confused and hurt. I've discovered the secret to life and the smallest of joys. For two years I've been "the girl behind the red door" and I liked that girl. Most days, I loved her. But it's time to move forward now, and embrace being the girl behind some other colored door who has even more growing and learning to do. I have no doubt she'll be just as great :)

921

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I have to start off by saying that I love this blog. My blog. Not my first, and surely not my last.

For a good two and a half years, this blog has been here patiently waiting for me to fill the blank space with thoughts, words, recipes, pictures, ideas, outfits. If you scroll through each page, you'll notice an attempt to do so, but I'll admit, it's been half-hearted.

You see, when I started this blog, I was just starting to follow other people's blogs. I was inspired and wanted a space of my own to share my love of fashion, faith, friends, and food. I had a nice digital camera to take pictures, I had a roommate who never thought I was silly as I posed in whatever ensemble I picked out. I had topics. I was learning to cook through trial and error. I had a schedule.

And well, life hit. It's hard for me to go back to that time period, because I was incredibly depressed. I was just fresh out of high school, in my first apartment living with three strangers when two of my friends died separately  in incredibly horrible, tragic deaths. It knocked me off my feet, pushed me drown, dragged me under the current to the point where I was no longer gasping for air because I didn't want any. I didn't want to blog, or be happy, or go to class. My grades suffered, my healthy suffered, and my relationships suffered. I was alone in a city with no connections to the friends I lost and the ones I missed. I didn't go out, I didn't study. I let myself give up because I felt grief gave me no other option.

Thankfully, I had a good enough head on my shoulders to recognize my weakness and I sought some help through counseling. There was a whole slew of problems at the time, and that was just one of many to tackle. Death, life, grief, it's all so enormous, you know? And we bravely step into them each day.

I got a job, then got a new one,  then another, then two, and well, I've had a lot of fun learning how to be better at what I do. Fashion is why I started this blog, and I love that it permeates every aspect of life. It's how I express myself, it's how I connect with others, it's why I go to school. I have many a time made every intention to improve this blog. More updates, planned posts, collaborations with friends who blog, connecting with UNT bloggers. The dream has been there.

But, the passion has not.

I enjoy reading blogs. I enjoy writing. But, I do not enjoy writing blogs. I am a creative, reflective being.
I like to try new restaurants. I like to create things, beautiful things. I like to decorate and redecorate. I like listening to live music and going out for a drink. I like to read poetry on my porch with a cold glass of homebrewed sweet tea. I like to organize. I like to discover what I like and what I don't like, what I stand for, who I am. I like to live.

I'm not saying those who blog don't enjoy that. But from my perspective, in this loud corner, blogging takes time away from those things. It keeps me confined to my apartment as I write, edit, and plan. Life can very easily become centered around social media- wording your facebook posts a certain way, "designing" an Instagram photo, doing things for the purpose of filling a blog with content as opposed to enjoying them. I've done all of these things, because I want people on the internet to perceive me a certain way. Being a popular blogger these days is like being a celebrity. Book deals, clothing lines, items in exchange for talking about a product. It's too easy to want, but like anything else, it has it's costs, and that is your precious time.

I was talking to my dad today and in awe, realized it's been four years since I graduated highschool. FOUR. I am not the same person I was then. I am not the same as when I started this blog. I've grown up, matured, become more comfortable in my own skin, become more comfortable with being a woman, become more comfortable with being single, with being different, with being crunchy and passionate, and well, I don't want my blog to reflect that. I want my life to.

I've embarked on this whole new crunchy/natural/organic/attachment parenting life style, and some of the things I use and eat would be really fun to blog about. I'm interested in doing a few music reviews, continuing to post some poetry. But, this blog is officially on the back burner, perhaps indefinitely. I'm glad I started this to keep my memories and thoughts in a safe-but loud ;)- place.

No worries friends! You can find me on Pinterest, Instagram, and take a sneak peek at my newest endeavor La Vie Rubelle. 22 has been so sweet to me, and I'm incredibly blessed to continue to live and create in His name.

Peace and light,
V

Things I Meant to Say When We Were Older [an open letter]

Dear Little One,

There are many things I wish I could tell you. There are so many words of wisdom I've been saving inside of me for the perfect moment, the one that is so full of love you can hardly breathe. The one that gives you goosebumps because of how wonderfully surreal it is.

I've had a few of those moments in my 22 years, and I suppose, I truly do owe a lot of them to you. Without you changing lives the way you did, I wouldn't have that, and God, I would hate to ever lose those precious moments, no matter what the future holds. No matter what kind of heartache is going on now or is to come, I would keep those moments and memories all to myself for a lifetime. Sometimes, I can't believe it all happened...I can't believe you loved me, but you did, and I know it, and I loved you right back to infinity. I hope you know that. I hope you understand and accept and love me still.

I don't have it all figured out, not by any means. Most days I barely remember to eat, I can't find matching socks and my deodorant has disappeared again as I try to rush out the door from one destination to the next. But here is the thing-behind closed doors, everyone is that way. A little late, a little rushed, a little lost.

But people like you make it worth it. At least, it does for me.

I think of all the things you have to learn, and I am filled with joy because such beautiful things are to come your way. But, at such a tender age, you undoubtedly know of the bad things too. Heartache. Heartbreak. Loss. Lies. People like me, who try do right in the wrong way. Those things are okay, mistakes are okay. I can promise you that in the aftermath of it all, there is healing, redemption, hope, and peace. I promise. Nothing you do could make me love you less, do you understand that? I wish that I could hold you and protect you from it all. I wish that I could make things better and take away hurt. I wish that I could keep you little and innocent and full of life and love and laughter and wonder...but I can't. But I can restore those things when hope is lost and life is rough and I will. I know I will for you.

The key to life is to hold on to the good things, the things that don't change with time, the good things promised to us from above. Love. Friendship. Goodness. Find those things and fight for them. Society doesn't place an importance on these things, but they are the most important things. To love freely and be loved in returned is the most comforting, wonderful thing.

This one might be a little long, because it's important. Friends-good ones- are the remedy for any lemons life throws straight at you. I know you know that and I know you've seen that and I just hope you remember what you know as you get older-it's the little things. It's investing in each other's lives. It's forgiving and not holding grudges, but learning to love someone even more. It's praying together in times of darkness and pain and need, a tempest against the storms. Two is better than one, sweet one. Always. The best of friends are the one who find it okay to be vulnerable together, to be sad together, to be honest with one another. I hope you meet at least one friend in your life who gives you their all, even the bad. Even if it seems heavy. Because when their burden is too heavy for them and you have to carry it, just know that there will never not be a time when that favor is returned tenfold.
Of all of your relationships in life, two of them require zero selfishness, and that's being a spouse and being a best friend. It requires a lot of time and energy and effort. of course, it will never seem that way, but when you look back on the years spent together and the times and moments you've been there, you'll see just how much of yourself was given away, and when it comes to someone who doesn't have to love you, but does...you want it to be only the best of you that they receive. Guy friends are amazing. They have the muscles to help you out physically, they give the best hugs, and they offer new insight and perspective, but little one, nothing beats a good girlfriend. They laugh with you, cry with you, get angry with you. You can be crazy with them, wild with them, honest with them, goofy with them, comfortable with them. They adore you the way your mama does. They'll be the sisters you wanted to have, and the best aunts/godmoms to your children, and having a good girlfriend, a best one, is just a really special thing in life. Seeing them grow up, get married and have babies...it really puts things into perspective, makes life all come together and make sense. It's about the love we create while we're here.
So when it comes to them, don't be afraid to apologize, or be honest, or be raw. Letting someone in even when it hurts is part of our journey here.


Being a good person, having integrity and honesty, that's what I hope for you. You have such a bright little spirit and I pray the world never takes that from you, sweet one. Being strong and courageous against wrong-doers is a rare trait, but it will take you far.


School is not about teaching you how to do calculus or memorize geography. It's teaching you how to learn, how to be open, how to absorb information. I hope that you excel by the state's standards but continue to grow in your own ways. I was never phenomenal at school. I slacked off a lot and aced "social life", but someday you'll wish you had given all of yourself, all of the time. These days I'm a little sponge, questioning everything, learning how and why things work the way they do. Learning doesn't always happen inside of the classroom and I just hope you pursue whatever your interests are.


Finding a job you love is key. Something that pays the bills, but more importantly something you are madly passionate about and can apply to all areas of your life. I'm right in the midst of this one, but I can let you in on a secret: any job I've ever grown tired of, looking back I regret not leaving sooner. Here's another tip: don't sass your manager!


There are a lot of little tidbits I can offer...
Mascara on your lower lashes makes you look tired.
Drink lots of water.
Wash off your make up before bed.


There is more, so much more, and someday I know I will get to share it all with you. I believe it to be so. For now, believe in yourself, your beauty, and your abilities, as I do.


XOXO,
V

Yahweh, Yahweh

Dear Lord,

King of Kings, Alpha, Omega, Ruler of my heart and my life. Knower of all, most selfless father, most understanding friend-

Thank you for your Grace, a gift I don't take for granted. A word I love to bathe in. Something that renews me daily even when I have not forgiven myself for the mistakes of yesterday.

Thank you for your seasons, given to me, breathing life and awe into me as I embrace each one with open arms and an excited heart, full of dreams and plans.

Thank you for waking me up without fail each day. I love this life that I live. I love getting to live it in your name, proclaiming your promises and praises! I love to experience your wonders and goodness and love!

Thank you for taking ahold of my heart at exactly the right time. Thank you for being patient as I navigate through the tangles and pride of my human heart in search of you. Not in search of righteousness or religion, just in search of a deeper, more personal, more powerful relationship with you, Yahweh. Most heavenly Father.

Thank you for the peace you instill in my troubled heart. I am such a worrier, such a planner, and you just give me a peace and a stillness that is unparalleled. My life is in your hands. I trust Your will, I trust in Your plans for me so fully! In times of trouble, instead of crying out WHY, I shout HOW! How, Lord, can I use this to shape and mold me, how can this draw me closer to you, how can I share your story and love through this trial!

Thank you for my loving family, Lord, put on this earth not only to love me but to love others and spread your word. I love how my family is so Christ driven. I love that they can set aside their own pride to pray for those who need it. I was born without uncles, but I have amazing angels for aunts, and now, I have three strong, dependable uncles who mean so much to me! They reflect you in the things they do and I admire that. My father is an image of you, and what I love about him is that he keeps trying daily! How honorable! And my mother, while not sinless and stain free like Mary, does all for her children! She is not a selfish person. Thank you for that Lord!

Thank you, good God, for my friends. I know each and everyone of them is in my life for a reason. You have helped me see who I need to keep close. Those who lift me up, inspire me, counsel me, make me laugh, and best of all, draw me closer to you. I hope that I reflect You to my friends, whether or not they believe.

Thank you for my many, many blessings, O Lord. I have a steady job, a car, clean and heated water, and many luxuries. I hope you know Lord, that I do not take them for granted, not even a second.

And Lord, this one is hard to give thanks for, but thank you for my trials. Thank you for my struggles. You have known all of them, especially the ones in my heart, and I know that while I don't have answers, you have had a bigger plan. Someday, the dots will connect and I hope to understand why there were times of doubt, lonliness, anger, guilt, pain hurt, and betrayal. Even if I do not see, I believe and I trust. The hardest ones have been to accept what life has brought, and I ask, Lord God, that I receive peace. I ask that I may understand and accept Your will, whatever it may be.

Amen

For the Love of Books

I have been an avid reader my whole life. I began reading chapter books at an early age. I wrote books of my own as a child, one which was placed in our school library for other students to enjoy. I won an award in elementary school, probably around 4th grade or so, for setting a record on reading the most accelerated reading books.  Books are love.

Since starting college, it got harder to make time to read between parties, projects and relationships. I have a habit of collecting books to read and never getting around to them, but this year, my goal is to read ALL of the books that are sitting unread. I want to fall in love with new people, new places, new plots. I want to cry because poetry touches my soul and be angry when a book doesn't go the way I want. I want to experience the joy of sending a friend off to a place where they are permanently happy (or unhappy, depending on how the book ends).

READING LIST 2014
(And counting, since I can't stop buying)

The Alphabet Sisters-Monica McInerney
Augusta, Gone-Martha Tod Dudman
Babywise-Ezzo and Bucknam
The Best Loved Poems of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (Poetry)
The Best of Me-Nicholas Sparks
Bringing Home the Birkin-Michael Tonello
The Chinaberry Tree-Lauren Alexander
The Doula-Bridget Boland
The Essential Green you!-Deirdre Imus
Expecting Adam-Martha Beck
Extremely Loud& Incredibly Close-Jonathan Safran Foer
The Fault in Our Stars-John Green
The First Phone Call from Heaven-Mitch Albom
Green Chic-Christine Matheson
Heavenly Creatures-Dee Ann
The Help-Kathryn Stockett
I Knew You’d Be Lovely-Alethea Black
Immortality-Milan Kundera
Interview with a Vampire-Anne Rice
It’s All Too Much:An Easy Plan for Living a Richer Life with Less Stuff- Peter Walsh
The Jungle-Upton Sinclair
Love Poems-Pablo Neruda (Poetry)
Lucky-Alice Sebold
Mangoes and Bullets-John Agard (Poetry)
The No-Cry Sleep Solution-Elizabeth Pantley
Odd Apocalypse-Dean Koontz
The Omen-David Seltzer
One Day-David Nicholls
The Paris Wife-Paula McLain
Pathway to Purpose for Women-Katie Brazelton
Positive Discipline-Jane Nelsen, Ed. D.
Reading Lolita in Tehran-Azar Nafisi
Riding the Bus with My Sister-Rachel Simon
Sarah’s Key-Tatiana De Rosnay
Selected Poems of Sylvia Plath (Poetry)
The Sirens of Titan-Kurt Vonnegut
Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood-Koren Zailckas
Stops Poems-Joel Sloman (Poetry
The Tales of Beedle the Bard- J.K. Rowling
Teaching Your Children Values-Linda and Richard Eyre
Tears  for Water-Alicia Keys (Poetry)
Tilt-Ellen Hopkins
This Longing-Rumi
Wicked-Gregory Maguire

What books are on your reading list?