Drinking Champagne From Plastic Glasses

I'm fifteen for a moment,
Caught in between ten and twenty
And I'm just dreaming, counting the ways to where you are.

I'm twenty two for a moment.
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire, 
Making our way back from Mars.

Fifteen, there's still time for you,
Time to buy and time to lose.
Fifteen...
There's never a wish better than this, when you've only got 100 years to live...

On February 20, 1992, I was welcomed into the world by family and friends awaiting my arrival in Lubbock, Texas. I was born in the evening and I weighed 7 pounds, 10 ounces and I had a head full of hair.

That was 21 years ago.

21. Wow. What a milestone! What a great age, made for drunken nights and mistakes and growth and learning. An age that is a full year closer to thirty An age closer to being a college graduate. An odd age, that 21.

I remember being little, 8 or 9, and trying to imagine myself at 16. Would I look the same? Would I still play with barbies? Would I be popular? Would the years of braces be worth it?

Looking back at the years, those teenage years that flew by...such a sweet age of innocence! I can tell myself that yes, I still look the same, just straighter teeth and eyebrows that are threaded into a nice shape. I am still full of imagination. I am still a hoper, a  (day) dreamer, a believer in love and all things good. I am still someone who sticks up for animal rights and believes in recycling.

At 8 or 9-even 15-I had a vision of what I would be like at these fun grown up ages and things could not be more different. I am a junior at UNT, studying Fashion Merchandising, an obvious but unexpected passion. I am excited to learn and grow in the fashion industry.

I always imagined myself being a vet, a teacher, a peace corps volunteer....something that mattered. Something that made a difference. When I made the switch from English Teacher to Fashion Merchandiser, I could tell people were disappointed...after all, what a vain and superficial industry this is! How am I going to make a difference?

But I have learned that I matter. I make a difference every day, just by passing along a smile, sharing a pencil or giving encouraging words. I feel more connected to the world than ever, more in tune with myself. I feel as if I have finally grown into myself....

But by the same token, I feel self-conscious. I feel awkward and ungraceful and out of place. I lack poise and coordination and I laugh too loud.

I am the product of 21 years of life. The good, the bad, the unbelievable. I am a product of the era of technology. The years of living in fear of terrorism. I am  a child whose parents have stayed together despite that 50/50 divorce rate. Despite not liking each other all the time.

I am not yet who I want to be, and 21 gives me the opportunity to become her, that girl I envisioned being. One who is strong, and confident. One who can cook and can study effectively. One who is passionate about what she does every day, one who gives and gives and gives. One who can take life's knocks. One who is assertive and can forgive and mend broken bridges but can sever ties when needed. One who is beautiful inside and out. One who is kind. One who lets love in freely. One who is successful. One who is happy.

One who acts with reason, not passion. One who sows kind words into the world and rises above any situation. One who knows what she wants and gos after it whole heartedly. One who lives each day fully and never takes a single second for granted....

It is strange to be 20, almost 21 but to still have 15 year old Varissa inside of me. And 13 year old Varissa. And 8 year old Varissa...and so on, and so back. I am grateful for every year and every experience, and I applaud everything the past Varissas have gone through because now, here I stand, at 21, preparing to become 22 in another 365 days...and then 23...and soon I will have my own girl who is 21 and embracing life.

And I want to say, that I am proud of who I am, even if I stand alone. I am proud of the decisions I have made. I am good hearted and optimistic. I am loving and friendly. I am determined, and reflective. I take things to heart and I cherish the little things. I have my own apartment, pay all my own bills. I work part time and go to school full time. I am excitable and I am...so many things. 21 years worth of adjectives, both good and bad.

And most of all, I am here, in this small loud corner of the world.
And here is good.

Here's to you, 21!