Death and Dying, Part I

Death leaves nothing behind when it goes.What it leaves behind are things people cannot see-an aching emptiness that sneaks up on you and reminds you of the relationship lost. Grief so immense that with every breath you take, you are afraid that you are going to be crushed under the weight of it all. Tears that don't stop coming, even when you think you can cry no more. Lonlieness, isolation, even when you are surrounded by three goofy roommates. You can feel your face stretching into some distorted shape-a smile, a plastic one. Confusion. Are you dreaming? Is this real? Why her? Why so soon?
Blackness. That is what I think of when I visualize the things death has left me with. Bitterness, anger, sadness, emptiness, hopelessness...it all mixes into the darkest shade of black one can fathom. And it is up to you to paint over it with color.

A splash of green for the green phone she was ALWAYS on.Pink because of how rosy your cheeks turned when she mentioned you LIVE on webcam. Red for how much love you have for her, and how much love she had for...everything.

Add some music because of the time she reminded you how much love LOVE Existentialism on Prom Night. And because she loved Taking Back Sunday, and her goal was one day to meet them. Turquoise because of that weird shirt she always wore. Add a white peace sign to symbolize how accepting she was of everyone, as quirky as they were.

Death leaves you with a hole in your heart. One that you carry with you always. I am learning that you HAVE to fill that hole-with memories as simple as these. The time she talked to you about wanting a pink and black prom dress. She was going to borrow her sister's, but she ended up buying one. It seems dumb, to build up that hole by calling to mind such random memories but isn't that how you became friends? A string of meaningless minutes that led to hours and a lifetime friendship (Death ends a life, not a relationship.) Suddenly those trivial moments aren't so meaningless and you are sobbing because you can't remember HOW you can became friends, but you did. You loved this boy dearly, you went to Putt-Putt with him and tried to concentrate in math class as he attempted to explain Geometry. You got a hug from him every time you saw him, you watched in awe as he played the guitar for Seguin's Battle of the Bands, you loved the song so much you went home singing it. These things matter. They mattered to Danielle, Justin, Stephen and Michael and they matter to me, because it's all I have left.